The Blog - The Archive

   Tired...

White bird,
In a golden cage
All alone...

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   Lost...
I suck. I've been working at this stupid problem in my stupid astrophysics assignment for a week, have lost countless hours to it, scribed tens of pages on it, and yet I'm no closer to the solution than I was when the teacher handed me the question sheet.
To make matters worse, it's really nothing more than algebra, which I was meant to be good at.
And if I can't even do this, how on earth can they expect me to do some serious research on a topic that for all my reading I still know very little about?
I can't seem to talk to anyone about it, since they all believe me to be supremely capable, and I'm tired of pretending that I am. Because I'm not. I'm tired, I'm lonely, and I wish I had someone to talk to.
But it's just me and Crying Eeyore against the world, and I'm not sure either of us are strong enough to survive this.

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  Thinking about Stuff...
I've been doing that a lot lately. You know James and I are up for a year of going out on tuesday? That's pretty heavy, but in some ways it's the most natural thing in the world. I mean, he and I just seem to suit each other really well. Course, there's times when I wonder if we were even born on the same planet, cause he doesn't understand whatever it is that I'm depressed about and can't tell him, or he doesn't realise that when he's off doing fun stuff and I'm sitting around studying I get kinda miserable because I start thinking that he would prefer to be with other people than me, or any of the other silly things I get upset about, but at the same time, when I'm miserable and can't explain why, he always picks up on the fact that the best thing in the world for him to do is give me a hug.
It's really odd having someone know you so well that if you were to just meet up, having not seen each other for a couple of days, the first thing you do is realise what kind of mood the other person is in and how to, if necessary, fix it.

And for some reason, thinking about all this reminded me of this one fanfic I read a few years ago and fell in love with, let me find the link...
*goes away*
*comes back*
Here we go: "Nothing Special" It's only a few pages long, so it shouldn't be too much effort for you to read. I just think that there's something very beautiful about it, and find myself wishing that it was written about me.

Which of course brings me to my other topic for discussion tonight. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my self-esteem problems, and I really think that it's well past time I started standing up for myself, just a little. Not like in a physical sense, cause I could probably whoop the arses of most of the people I know if it came to a fight (except stuart and my uncle steve, but they're both martial arts nuts and could kill me before I even knew they were thinking about it), but more generally.
When it comes to arguments, for too long my only defence has been to (metaphorically, most of the time) hide under the table and wait for things to calm down, going along with whoever is screaming at me and just taking the abuse. It's not a healthy attitude, and I think I should try to be more willing to stand up for myself. Not to go looking for fights, but to not be afraid of people just because they are yelling.
Also, this whole, never-letting-anyone-know-my-opinion on anything thing has just got to go. It worked as a defence mechanism, but frankly, I think it's finally starting to sink in that in truth it just pisses people off, and that I have just as much right to have my desires catered to as any of them.

I dunno if any of this is making sense tonight. What I mean to say is that I think that sometimes, in the right circumstances, I can get away with being more assertive than I am at present. It doesn't make me any less of a nice person, and in fact, people might even admire me for putting forward my own ideas and opinions from time to time.

But anyway... I was going to offer an apology for anybody I could have possibly offended with this post (even though I can't see how since it's mostly about me) but that wouldn't be in line with my new character. *grins*
So, wish me luck!

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